The 5 Stages of Grief
by marblememo
Summary: After Reid's events with Tobais. The 5 stages of grief through his eyes.


**After the events in Tobias' care Reid is addicted to the drug Dilaudid. This describes his recovery using the ****K****u****bler-Ross model of the stages of grief. I didn't study it that well so review and tell me watcha think. **

**-marblememo**

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**The Five Stages of Grief **

**Denial**

Reid was looking at the body of the man who had helped him right after he had beaten him. His body was on the ground. The blood was pooling beneath him. The man that had hurt him and the man that had helped were the same. Yet they were totally different. He looked down at the body. _Body. That's all he was now. A body. Not a person. Not a soul. A body. _He bent down next to him. His eyes glanced around, to see if anyone was watching. His hand darted into the man's pocket grabbed the nearly full vials that were resting in his pockets. Stuffed them into his jacket then sprang up and walked away nonchalantly.

He used as soon as he was alone. All he wanted was to remember again. Remember what it was like when he was younger. Before he sent his mother away. The guilt nearly killed him. The Dilaudid. It was just for that. He didn't need it. No way. All he wanted was to remember. And as soon as he ran out he would stop. He wouldn't get anymore. He wouldn't even do it that often. _Only to remember. _He would stop. _Remember. _Stop.

**Anger**

"…He could even be in this very room as we speak." he had said. They were searching for a homeless man. Someone who was killing like they had learned how. And had learned well. He caught the look Emily had given him as soon as he said that. He saw the fear in the woman's eyes as she glanced quickly around. He didn't care. His skin was beginning to itch. He was irritable. As soon as they were outside the shelter Emily stopped him.

"What the hell was that about?" he simply stared at her. _What? What was what about?_ "He could even be in this very room as we speak?" she said mimicking him. "You have just made that woman think that every man that walks through that door could kill her!" he didn't want to deal with this right now.

"Well maybe she should!" he told her. She stared at him.

"What is going on with you? I have never seen you act like this" she said. She sounded concerned. The anger inside him had intensified. _Who does she think she is?_

"Really, Emily? Really?" he mocked. "You've never seen me act like this. In the, two months, time that you've known me you've never seen me act like this? Really? Well Emily I really don't think you know what you're talking about." He quickly turned and walked towards the black SUV that they had arrived in. _Know me? She thinks she knows me? _

**Bargaining **

He was lying in his bed. Feeling miserable. He had finished the supply of Dilaudid yesterday. And he was fully aware of the effect it was having on him. He had told himself that once he finished what he got from Tobais he would stop. And he did. Sorta. But it doesn't really count if it was a gift from a friend right? _Friend. Is that what you call your supplier. It wasn't a gift. It was a little taste. To keep you coming back for more. _He shook his head. Trying to clear away the thoughts of his anguish.

His 'friend' would be stopping by soon. With another gift. He had to try and make himself presentable. Take a shower at least. He would. Eventually. But for now he just needed to take a little rest.

The team had been a little suspicious of something lately, but he tried to convince them he was fine. He wondered if they believed him. _Probably not. But that doesn't matter does it, I'll just use it a little more then I'll keep it around only for emergencies. _

He closed his eyes. If only for a moment when he heard a hurried knock at the front door to his apartment. He must have fallen asleep again. But he woke up this time feeling worse than before. He needed to remember. If not for one last time. And that is why his 'friend' was here. He remembered the first time he had met this friend.

_He was taking the nearly empty subway home. It was late and he had just gotten off the plane from catching a cannibal in Wisconsin. He was almost alone on the subway. Almost. The only other people was what appeared to be and old drunk that had pissed himself in his sleep and a shady looking young woman. From what he could see of her she was sitting across the subway from where he was standing near the door. _

_She had on a long old fashioned trench coat. With a pair of baggy jeans full of hole in them underneath. And a black fedora pulled down low to cover most of her face. But from what he could see she had dark skin. Most likely Hispanic from what he could see of her facial structure. But from under her hat she was watching him. She was taking in his details. Just like he was doing to her. _

_She noticed how every now and then he would tweak a little bit. And when he first got on the subway she notice how his sleeved that were rolled up to reveal track marks. He was obviously getting careless. She had thought. And she knew what that meant. When people got careless, they get desperate. She saw him as a new business venue. She made a guess and pulled something out of one of the many pockets in her coat. She got up. Her stop was coming up. She grabbed a piece of paper from another pocket. She walked over to where his stood. _

"_Hello friend" she had said him. "Looks like you need this more than I do" and she grabbed his hand and placed to items into his palm. The train stopped, doors opened, and she stepped out. He looked at what she had handed to him. A vial, of dilaudid. And a slip of paper. Scrawled on it was a number. Most likely a phone number basing on the number of digits and the way they were spaced._

_He looked up in time to still see the girl on the train platform walking. He reached out quickly and grabbed her arm. _

"_But I…can't afford this." He said. Shocked slightly as to why a stranger would give him this. Mind whirling. _

"_Consider it a gift." She had said. "from a friend." She smiled. It didn't seem to be a very happy smile. But a smile none the less. She turned away. And stepped onto the train that had just pulled up. _

"_But how did you know, this is what I needed?" he asked. She smiled again. A sad smile._

"_Call it a lucky guess. Guessing has always been my specialty." The door closed. The train departed. He looked around. To make sure no one was watching. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. He stuffed what she had given him in his pocket. And rushed out of the subway station. He could walk the rest of the way. Being in the train had him feeling a little claustrophobic. _

_He had called a couple of days later. When he was already running low. She had given him a couple more gifts. Which brought him to where he was today _

The knocks on the door continued. Reid had snapped out of his revere. He groaned and got up. And he quickly rushed over to the door and threw it open. He was getting excited at the prospect of getting more. He looked out expecting to see Smiley. But she had company. Two men. One as tall as Reid. The other shorter but stockier. They both appeared to mad of muscle. They stood in front of Smiley as if for protection.

"Boys" she said. On her command they two men grabbed Reid and pulled him into the apartment. Followed closely behind by Smiley. Who had taken her time to make sure that no one was watching in the hallway and shut the door behind her. One of the men that was with her started to speak with a heavy Mexican accent.

"So, ese, we gunna do 'dis 'da easy way or 'da hard way ,ese?" without even waiting for an answer he brought up his arm and brought his elbow down on Reid's head. Knocking him out. But before he was fully out he heard one of them say. "the easy way"

When Reid came to he was tied to a chair in his own kitchen. He looked up and saw Smiley sitting on the counter in front of him eating an apple cutting it apart with a pocket knife. He could hear the TV on behind him. Sounds like a sports game. And from the sounds coming from the area Smiley's two friends were watching football, and didn't seem to be very happy with the way things were going.

"Well, good morning there Doctor Tweak" she said. Smiling her sad smile. He was confused. And he was hurting. Bad. He needed it. He needed to remember.

"What the? What is going on Smiley?" Reid asked. His voice rising in fear. He didn't like being in this situation once again. Especially this time without out help.

"Well Docta' Tweak it appears that you owe me a little bit o' moolah" she said. Punctuating the end of her sentence but putting a piece of an apple in her mouth. Using the knife as a fork.

"But I thought they were just gifts" he said. Eyes pleading with her.

"Oh no just the one on the train. And after that. You see, I've been keeping you on tab and well Doc" she chuckled. "You owe me a helluva lot. And I aint even charging you interest" she smiled sadly again. She never seemed to be very happy he had noticed once.

"Well, Doc, you owe me." She paused and looked like she was concentrating on remembering something. "about 300 dollars"

"What?" Spencer was shocked. "How is it that expensive? It's just getting it from the hospital"

She laughed. Almost a mocking laugh.

"Oh really? It just that simple? Really?" she laughed again. Sadly Smiling. "There are a lot of palms that need to be greased to keep our little operation on the DL. There is the Doc who writes the prescription, the pharmacist who gives it to us with out reporting, and even a couple of the 5-oh that have gotten a little wise. So Doc its not just that simple."

Spencer understood. At least he thought he did. He wasn't think straight. He needed his fix. But he would never admit it.

"Please" he pleaded. She smiled. "I'll get you the money, just wait until the 15th , that's when I get my pay check, then I'll pay you. And I'll even pay you extra since you being so nice about it." He said. Playing to her insecurities. He had profiled her and was using it to his advantage. And she knew it. But she didn't mind if she was getting a few extra bucks.

"Fine" she gave in. "I'll give you till the 17th. But after that" she raised an eyebrow and gestured toward her two friends. "I'll have my two friends over there pay you another visit. And that time I won't be there to stop them after they get a little bloodlusty. If you know what I mean." She smiled. Sad. Always so sad.

"Yes, I understand. I'll give you the money. Just give me a little more okay? Just a little. And I'll give you the money. Just a little more…" he trailed off. He was getting weak. He was tired, and craving. Shivering. He hated the shivering.

"Sure thing Doc, sure thing" she nodded knowingly. Still smiling that sad little smile. "Gerardo, Rafael. Vete aqui!" she said to her buddies. She nodded to them. Reid prepared himself for what he knew was coming. Once again Reid was out cold.

He awoke this time in his bed. With three vials stacked on his nightstand along with a note. The note said: Enjoy Doctor Tweak. This brings your tab up to 437 dollars. Also we took a couple of your sodas and ate most of your food. Thus the strange total. We subtracted the difference. And remember the 17th. Or else- it stopped there. Nothing but a pocket knife sticking into the end of the note.

**Depression**

He was hurting. His skin was itching again. He didn't like that he was here. Smiley. Or Vincenta Delgado as her headstone now said. Was gone. She was gone. In the time they had known each other they had grown close. She had even kissed him a couple of times. She liked him. She told him that. She told him they would get clean. She always dreamed of getting out of the life. That's what you did when you were like that. You dreamt of getting out of there.

She had always talked about going places. She always talked about Europe. She wanted to see the art. She liked art. She was pretty good at drawing. She had drawn 'Doctor Tweak' a couple of times. It was like looking at a black and white picture of himself, taken with a camera. When she had shown him. She gave him one. One of both of them, together. And she was smiling in this one. An actual smile. That smile didn't look sad. And he kept it in a drawer at the office. In the same drawer he had kept the magazine with him and Lila on the cover. Except that magazine was long gone. And he now vowed to himself to take the picture with him always. To remember her. She might have loved him. He knew he had loved her.

But now she was gone. And she had never gotten out. She had tried. But she kept falling back. Just like him. But now she couldn't even try. It had finally happened.

_She was dealing one night. Trying to earn enough money for a pair of plane tickets to Paris. She was dreaming again. She wanted to get away. Far away from this place. And wanted her Doctor Tweak to come with her. He was away a lot, yeah but just a little time for themselves and they would get clean she had thought. But she was wrong. _

_She was a victim of an Un-sub, a house cleaner. Trying to clean up the streets the wrong way. When the BAU went to the coroner to check out the body Reid had almost died. They moved the sheets and he saw her. Smiley. His Smiley. Except this time she wasn't smiling. Not even in the sad way she used to. He had to leave the room. He cried in the bathroom. _

_Morgan came by a couple minutes later to see what was up with him._

"_Reid, boy genius, what's up?" he asked. "Did you know her?"_

_Reid. Inhaled trying to calm himself. He couldn't tell Morgan. Then he wouldn't be able to help find out who did this…to his Smiley. He inhaled again. _

"_No, Morgan. I didn't know her. She just reminded me, a little too much of someone I used to know" he said. He lied. It hurt him to lie. _

_They had caught the un-sub. Just another narcissist just to carve his niche into the world. He had opted for cop assisted suicide. With which Reid was happy to give him. He had shot up as soon as he got home. He had stopped trying to get clean after Smiley. He had loved her. He wouldn't love again. Not if they could be taken away again. _

The funeral was a small one. The only people who came was Reid, and Rafael. Apparently Smiley was his sister. Rafael had come up to him after the funeral.

"You know my sister really loved you, ese" he said. Reid nodded. Keeping his eyes to the gravestone. Tracing the name with his eyes. "She even tried to get clean for you, ese. And she wouldn't do that for just anyone." He nodded again. Again not meeting his eyes.

Rafael grabbed Reid by the shoulders. And hugged him.

"Your family now, ese." And he cried. Both of them were like that for a while. Hugging each other and crying over the loss of someone they both loved. Rafael left soon after. Reid stayed. Continued staring at the stone. At her name. He sank to his knees in front of the stone.

"Smiley" he whispered. "Smiley" he repeated. As if trying to awaken her from sleep. Not from the dead. He cried out her name again. And again. Until his voice was hoarse. He skin was itching worse. He ached. He felt sick. His head pounding. He shot up on her grave. Leaning against the stone for support. And he remembered. All the happy times. When they joked around in the park and went people watching. When they were both stoned off their ass while watching a movie. Their first kiss. The first time he knew he loved her.

He closed his eyes. A single thought drifting through his head as he fell asleep in the cemetery.

_My Smiley, is gone. _

**Acceptance **

He was in New Orleans once upon a time. Visiting a friend while the rest of the team chased an un-sub.

He still missed Smiley greatly. But it had gotten easier.

He was trying to quit again. And damn near succeeding. He knew that Hotch and Gideon were beginning to suspect something.

His friend. He told his friend and his friend told him about a group. A support group for drug addicts in law enforcement. Which is where he was now.

It was his turn to talk. So he did. He told them. All of it. The whole story. Not leaving out any part.

He told them about Tobais. About stealing drugs from his corpse. About meeting a beautiful woman on a train. How they tried getting clean together. How she died trying to get them away from the place. But he didn't tell them about the picture. The picture he still kept with him. That was his little secret. Just between Smiley and him.

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**Congrats on Reading about the 5 stages of grief. So Review and tell me if you liked it. I personally really like this. It was nice to write and I kinda teared up a bit. Especially during Depression. But that may have something to do with it being 4 am right now. So good night…morning I guess. And please tell me what you think about Smiley. **

**-marblememo**


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